2011

Well, It's 2011...I don't know if it is rational or not but I feel very hopeful for the year to come. I've always felt that when you need them God will give you signs and help you maintain your faith and be able to look toward the future. I have always believed in signs. I have seen them for years and been able to take hope that what i want the most will come true. Tonight I had a great night with my dad and my sister, I wish my mom could have been here rather then have her in New York but we all understand. As I got ready for bed with Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year in the background I thought about things and the many opinions on how I'm handling things. As I brushed my teeth my eyes filled with tears and I simply prayed that I would have the strength to make the most of this year and for the guidance to know what the right decisions are and prayed for a sign to know what is right. I continued to get ready and less than a minute later a song came on. I paused not believing my ears. I hadn't heard this particular song since May 2006. I instantly grabbed my puppy and we danced all around my room. For the first time in days I felt something. I smiled. I felt joy and happiness. I can't explain the timing or my reaction but as I'm learning with everything these days I will just hold on tight and stay along for the ride. I am hopeful for this year. So many plans to make and so many major changes to let happen. This is going to be a good year. :-) As I have said many times lately "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change those that I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Resolutions:
   Graduate
   Lose weight and get in better shape so I feel better about myself.
    fall in love
    be happy
    find a job that makes me happy
    **Not to be scared to make a move to achieve the job I want.
    Be strong enough to be hopeful.

Where to go from here?

As I look toward 2011 I realize that my life has changed drastically in a short 365 and odds are that the next 365 days will hold just as many changes. I am scared that things will continue the way they have been. I am afraid I will lose more then I am capable of handling. I pray long and hard for good outcomes and the strength to handle what comes my way. I am looking forward to finding a job that will distract me from the things I want and hopefully lead to a successful and happy future. One of the most surprising things that I've found has been that the most supportive and encouraging people are strangers. I am so grateful to be with my family. My mom is as supportive as ever even though she has more then enough to deal with, my dad, bless his soul, listens to me vent and tells me stories from his dating days and tries to make me feel better anyway he can. My sister is always there to listen to me even if it's to say things I have said countless times before.

In all honesty, I am not feeling much. I am not sure if it is shock or what but i feel nothing. This is very odd considering for the past 4.5 years I have been passionate and had more emotions then I can express in regards to him but now nothing. I'm not angry, I am not sad, I see pictures of him with her and just don't care. I am very very thankful for that. I often would imagine what it would feel like to lose him. I'd always imagined it as 72 years down the road in a tragic horrible way but never in the whole time we were together did I really think I'd lose him like this. My faith in us has been so strong it's as if my brain knows my heart couldn't take the reality of it so all emotions about it is blocked.

I hope things begin to work out and that 2011 is much better then 2010. If horoscopes are right then I can't wait until late June, early July!

It's over...

The pilot and I broke up. He is dating someone new. We broke up 2 days before Christmas. I didn't tell anyone until after Christmas. I smiled, put on a good face, told everyone a lie and then waited until after Christmas to tell everyone. I feel so lost. I had a plan. I was going to move to DC, I was going to work at Banfield, I was going to live with him, I was going to be happy. At this point in my life he is the only person who actually thought I'd be a vet. I don't want to give up but I don't know how much more I have to give. I am now facing a life of uncertainty. I have to find a place to live and a job. I don't like being so alone or having to rework my whole life. I feel like in a matter of days my entire life was taken away from me. I hate the position I'm in. I feel pathetic and numb. Why am I never good enough? Why do I always fall short of my dreams? Why do I always have to work so hard for what I want?

Savor every fleeting moment

As I sit up to what will no doubt be another sleepless night I read a blog that has come to mean a lot to me. One post she made before the chaos and the nightmare began she wrote about how you need to appreciate every fleeting moment because you never know how many chances you will get again. Given the circumstances it is a very daunting post to read but the message is very true. You never know how much time you have with someone. Any number of things can happen. Tomorrow all the things you hold dear could be taken away from you with no chance to get it back. I'm making a new years resolution starting now. I will appreicate every moment I have and I will look for the good in things. With all the stress in my life these days I find myself overwhelmed and terrified that things will disappear or not end up how I hope they will. Like I have said in the past, I want to live in faith, not in fear. That is my new years revolution/ life goal.

Stressed!

I am losing my mind. I have been trying to study all day. I plan to study all night. I have hit my panic wall and I'm going crazy. All my support systems seem to be busy. I have now spent over 24 hours with nothing but my zoo and my thoughts...this is a dangerous thing. I now notice how much my friends and family mean to me. They keep me sane and they give me support that is very important to me. They keep me calm and help me feel like I will be able to do it and it will be ok. I am taking a break to try and get out of my panic state but sitting alone with my thoughts I hate it and I wish more than ever that I had my pilot with me. Just a rough night. I wish I didn't feel this way every December. Wasn't Christmas once a care free time? I vaguely remember I used to be excited and happy this time of year. Now I am only apprehensive making myself sick over exams that don't seem relevant.

What Do I Want?

                Everyone has always told me to go after what I want, sounds easy enough. Then when I go for what I want they bombard me with questions or arguments of why what I want isn’t good enough or is not possible. Sounds a bit contradictory to me. I’m looking toward what will be, God willing, my last semester at Purdue and I know exactly what I want. It’s exactly the same thing I wanted this time 4 years ago. I want the dream. I want the fairy tale.

                I want the career that seems impossible to achieve. I want the stress, the disappointment, the hope, fear and impossible obstacles.  I know there is a possibility I will not make it but the fear of giving up and not trying scares me more than anything. One day I want to look back at the struggles and smile because they eventually got me to where I am. I want to smile at my children and honestly tell them they can do ANYTHING they truly want to and that their father and I are proof. I know I can be an amazing veterinarian. I have watched the surgeries, exams,  and procedures and I am confident I will do an amazing job. I care about patients and the clients that care for them. I know there’s an important balance between practice and profit. I believe in the oath. I believe that patient care comes before anything else. I will be better than the book smart empathetic people who have no bedside manner, those who regard euthanasia as a medical procedure discussed excitedly as though it was anything less then what it is. As I see these people get vet school offers it only makes me want it more. I deserve it more. I need it more. I was once insulted by an advisor who accused me of being driven by selfish motives. He questioned me asking if it was the title, salary, family pressure or a narcissistic need to be perfect that drove me so hard to pursue vet school and my inability to quit. I can honestly say that it is all of the above and more. I want the title because like my future husband’s name I have never thought of my name with anything else beside it in the future. I want the salary because let’s face it it isn’t a bad thing. I do have family pressure but it’s the opposite of what you might assume. I feel pressure to prove them wrong. I’ve never felt that I had to be a vet to make my parents proud, they’d rather I be happy with a back up plan but I feel pressure to prove them wrong. And that comes from deep inside me. And as bad as it might be I need to be a vet. Anything other than a veterinary career will always seem like a failure in my eyes.

                If that comes true I will have the dream. What about the fairy tale you may ask? I am currently living my fairy tale. I have wanted the fairy tale since I first met him. I knew from  the first night I met him (in person) that I wanted to spend my life with him. Pretty much from that time I’ve been told to get over him. I’ve been told that my fairy tale would never happen and I was just wasting my time and I’d end up watching him marry his future wife and I’d end up bitter. I refused to believe this and two years later we got together. Two and a half years later we are still together. We have overcome many challenges and I am happier than ever. We are strong and are still very confident in forever. I have heard still that I should reevaluate things early before I get hurt, I have been told to walk away, I’ve had my strength questioned many times in terms of his career or our future. I don’t want easy. I don’t want the stereotype. Do I know he is a pilot? Yes. Do I know the positive and negative stereotypes that come with pilots? Yes. Do I know MY pilot? Yes. I have heard him worry about his kids being upset with his career since I met him. I’ve heard his concerns about his future wife and future family from back when I thought we’d end up as neighbors. I want to be the woman he grows old with. I want to be the mom that comforts the kids and makes them understand why daddy had to leave. I want the challenges, I want the struggle I want the life of a pilot wife. I’ve occasionally said that I don’t feel good enough for him. I mean this but I don’t mean it in a bad way. I want to be with the man that I don’t feel good enough for. I want the man who makes me feel lucky to be with him.  I want to roll over in the middle of the night still smile saying to myself “I can’t believe I am dating him” I want the butterflies as I drive to pick him up, I want the tears as I drive back after dropping him off. I want to marry my best friend.

                All this being said I know what I want. I want it all. I will never give up and If/when the day comes that I can realize I have achieved my dreams I will know it was all worth it. 

So Close Yet So Far

Tonight I drove Erik to the airport after a great weekend together. We have hit such a great rhythm and I'm so happy with how we are lately. It wasn't until Erik got to Chicago that we began talking about how he could have called in and stayed here with me since he is on reserve this week. As I always do I told myself to assume it wouldn't happen but couldn't help but think of the possibilities. It would have given us 11 days together. 11 days of being together is UNHEARD of in the aviation industry. It would have been much longer than any amount of time we have had since he started at an airline. It would have probably been more time then we will get for a long time to come. Needless to say I got really excited as the mere possibility. Having this be such a stressful pre-finals week as it is, it would have been amazing to have him here to help me not lose it as I always inevitably do. Then as if it had been planned LoneStar's I'm Already There  came on...I used to love that song but as of late it always makes me cry...i wonder why. As I sit in bed with the zoo around me I can't help but look at all the adjustments and growing this year has brought on. I am much stronger now then I was in February but I still have not gotten the hang of keeping my hopes in check. I love him and after we made it through what we have this year I have no doubt we can make it through almost anything. Through the good, the bad and the ugly we will lean on each other for support. Now I just have to suck it up and study hard for finals. Weeks like these make me wish we could live near each other. Dead week and finals week are always such bad weeks for me.

Can we fast forward about 6 months? or maybe a couple years?

I'm not sure if it's the fact that finals are quickly approaching or the holidays or what it is but I have the worst case of senioritis ever! I'm so anxious to graduate and move to Virginia and finally live with Erik again. Prior to today I was anxious to get a job and make up the classes needed before I can apply to vet school.  As I sit in class already feeling defeated having dropped the pre-vet classification on my degree, learning about cows, pigs and sheep I hear about all my classmates, many of them a year behind me applying to vet school. I heard all about their application processes and sleepless nights getting them completed. I heard how relieved they felt knowing they were completed. Now vet schools all across the country have began to sent out interview requests. I have no doubt I'll start next semester learning who got in and who got wait listed. No one of course will admit they didn't get in., that would be too embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as not even applying.

I feel stupid even getting choked up. I now feel anxiety about graduating. It feels like no matter how hard I try it will never happen. I can't wait to get away from school. I want to start my own journey and figure things out my own way. Being here only makes me feel inadequate and defeated. I just hope one day I can feel better about things. I can't help but feel like my career will never live up to what I hope it will.

Changes

It's been a while since the last time I posted anything. Mostly due to the fact that things have gotten so crazy. Things definitely haven't slowed down but I thought it might be a good idea to start writing things down. This summer seemed to end with things appearing to be on the brink of falling apart. I didn't feel in control of anything and it made me crazy.

The first significant lesson I learned this semester was to trust what people tell me. I always trusted people and never thought they would hurt me or betray me but I realized that while I trusted them I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable and believe that when they told me they wouldn't hurt me they really wouldn't. I learned that because of this I was pushing people away and keeping them at a distance.

Next I learned that in a moment things can go from mundane to terrifying and chaotic. In a period of 24 hrs I learned of 3 people I love being admitted to the hospital for very serious things. Each situation scared me greatly and made me appreciate the easy mundane trivial days that seem so boring. It made me realize how the little issues that seem so big are really trivial and insignificant.

The last lesson I am still learning. Through close family members and complete strangers  I have seen proof that tomorrow is not guaranteed. In any moment tomorrow can be taken away from you. I didn't expect this to hit me as hard as it has. My grandfather passed away two nights ago. He has been sick for years and gotten progressively worse over the past 6 months but even when he was admitted to the hospital I was confident he would recover. Then over the course of a month he declined rapidly. I expected to be upset and I don't mean to sound cold but it all hit me very hard. I am thankful that he is no longer in pain. About a week ago I read a blog by the strongest woman I've ever heard of. I've never met her and probably will never have the chance to but she has taught me a valuable lesson. Seize the day, love with all your heart and live every moment like your last. I spent a long night getting choked up, all teary eyed and flat out crying and I suddenly all the things that annoyed me or felt like major issues didn't matter. Sounds dramatic right? well, on that night I apologized to a very important person for taking him for granted. And from that day on I've felt truly blessed to have him in my life.

I hope to approach every day like it's my last. I want to love like I will never get hurt and never give up because I'm afraid of failing. If I fail, if I get hurt, if tomorrow never comes I can look back on my life and say that I did my best and wouldn't change a thing.

Such a looooooong weekend

It official, this is an extremely long and extremely stressful one. I'm studying my butt off so that I can hopefully graduate in December and that truly was enough to make it a long weekend. Organic Chemistry and I just don't get along. However, other things have made it even worse. Why is it that whenever I need a specific question answered I have to wait until Monday at 8 am. I'm tired, I'm burnt out from studying, I just want to have Monday over with and have my pilot back. I'm so over stressed. Now i'm legitimately worried on top of everything else. I should have just followed my instinct.

What to do? Blind Faith

On Monday I will be taking a final exam which is 50% of my overall grade, meaning this one test will determine the grade I get in Organic Chemistry. That one class determines if I graduate in December. No pressure, right? As I approach this inevitably stressful week I'm also thinking about what happens after I graduate. We are now headed to Washington D.C. after I graduate since it's the best place for Erik to get more flying and the odds of us getting Houston are slim. Charleston WV is unbearable so that's not an option either. I'm very nervous about this move and it's still 9 months away. I haven't been to D.C and all I've heard is how expensive and dangerous it is. The more people I ask or talk to seem to suggest not going through with it, saying that a good cardboard box can be found at the same price of a nice apartment in other areas. I try to stay positive and say that they don't know us and that maybe it'll be better for us since we can make sacrifices now. I read reviews on some apartments that were "affordable" and read about drug dealing on the premise, a "body on the ground in the parking lot" there was no indication as to dead or alive, and teens fighting all the time. I gave up looking because since this move is inevitable I don't want to further scare myself out of it. As I sit here starting to feel the anxious nerves coming back just thinking about it I take a deep breath and go back to my homework. I have faith in my relationship and I have faith that Erik knows what he is talking about and would not make this move unless he knew we'd be able to make it work. I can honestly say this is the first time that the prospect of him being away makes me feel uneasy. I still have that image in my head of me living in the ghetto of some run down neighborhood with gangs running the streets as I sit alone most of the week with Cali and the cats. I know my mind is just running wild on the stereotype, I just hope and pray that my blind faith and hopeful optimism is rewarded when everyone else is telling me it won't.

DC not Houston

Ok so I'd love to say that it's been fooooreeever since i've posted and a lot has changed well...it hasn't been forever BUT a lot has changed. I am (hopefully) not graduting next May but rather in December. I am not going to be moving to Houston like I was planning but will instead be moving to Washington D.C. the Dulles area. Now, that being said next month it could be completely different but for now that's it. I think I've finally realized that my life is going to go from a Merry-Go-Round to the fastest roller coaster on earth. I'm all strapped in and ready to go. Bring it on. One way or another i'll handle anything that gets thrown at me.

Why not keep things inside?

Here's a question for everyone: What is so wrong with keeping everything inside? I've always been told to talk to people, not to keep everything in and to use the support given to me by those around me. Now more than ever I simply want to ask, why? When I do lean on those who support me it leads to arguments, questions to which I have no answers and discussing my failures and my fears only magnifies them. I'm at a point in my life where people seem very confused as to what I need. I don't need solutions. I don't need lectures and i definitely don't need to focus on the things that keep me up at night. I just feel so overwhelmed and I just want people to LISTEN. These days it seems like people are very confused because listen is defined as making an effort to hear something. No where does it involve talking. All I want is to have Erik back to lay beside him and bury my head in his chest and hide. I just want everything to go away for a minute.

2010 sucks! Can it be over already?!

2010 seems to be a great year...for everyone but me. I hate this year with a passion and I wish it would just be over already. Yesterday I found out Erik might be coming back this weekend. I told myself not to get excited but I couldn't help it. There's so much going on I just want to be with him and be able to feel happy and reconnect with him. All the stress and crap that has been getting to me has made it really hard for us this trip. It seems like we are off and though I know we are good I just wish I could see him and feel close to him again. I'm so jealous of everyone right now. I feel like I don't have my shit together and I'm all alone in this stupid fucking state. I hate it here. I hate school. I hate learning about cows! I know I should suck it up and not be feeling so upset about this but all day I kept thinking "just get through it and you'll have a great weekend" I'll still have fun with my parents and everything but who knew one stupid hug could mean so much. This up and down emotional rollercoaster is started to get to me. I never even knew how long he's be able to be here. Hell, even an hour would have been great. I just want to see him and feel less alone here. It seems like this  year no matter what it is, even the smallest thing is ten times harder. When I fall I get hurt a lot more, when I have stress it hits me all over in every way possible, when I miss someone it feels  like I'm being stabbed in the heart. It's only April. I have another 8 months until this year is over. It started off so well to. Who knew having the best New Years Day of my life would start of the worst year of my life. The worst part of it all is feeling like no one is there to listen. Everyone is off doing their own thing and they are all busy with great amazing things. I sit here learning organic chem and cow shit and there's no one there. This really is killing me.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Sim training has proved to be more difficult that ground, and it's almost half the amount of time. It isn't' even really being away from Erik that has thrown me. Sure, I miss him like crazy and I wish I could see him every night as I go to bed...the body pillow is still taking up half the bed. I still take pictures of the zoo to send to him and try to do my best to make him smile and let him know how much I love him. It is all the other stuff that's been piling up and overwhelming me. It was only a couple days ago that I came out of my zombie/sleep walking state. I found out that odds are I will be forced to graduate in May 2011 instead of December 2010, turning the 6 months of a long distance relationship into a year. I know I probably throw myself into us but our relationship means so much that being apart is just hard. I know we can make it, it's just the idea of sitting in the butt hole of America...aka West Lafayette, Indiana alone with nothing but Purdue to distract me is just very aggravating. I also am struggle through Organic Chem and I just let it all get to me. Now I hear that I may be able to take classes to get out in December...hopes go up a little bit...Erik says he might be able to come up this weekend...hopes go up a little more. I'm doing my best to keep my excitement down and not get too sad if either situation doesn't work out. We shall see where this twist takes us.

Shiloh Pepin- Mermaid Girl

"you never know unless you try. Just remember it's what's inside that makes you a star. I'm scared for this big step in my life but you never know it might be another good opportunity." -Mermaid Girl 


May 2009-
 Mermaid girl made the decision not to surgically separate her legs. Ultimately this little 10 year old girl made the decision to stay the way she was. She was planning on attending summer camp even though she was scared and admitted to her mom she wasn't sure if she was ready for that big step in her life but decided to attend because she felt it could be a new opportunity.  That summer she went away to summer camp, 2 hours away from her parents. As her parents drove her to camp she applied lip gloss dressed head to toe in pink with excitement and optimism as she told her dad "you always have to look good" When nurses had trouble getting her waste bags attached she read the instructions out loud, never once feeling self conscious as she told them how to care for her.  


I first became mesmerized by Shiloh Pepin when I first saw her TLC special. I watched this young girl's happiness with life spill over to those around her. I saw this girl who had every right to be pissed off at the world and to stay in her room all day and hide instead she blossomed and became outgoing always looking for new friends. People teased me as I grew to actually love Mermaid girl and soon it didn't become strange to have her brought up in random conversations. Her whole day was started in a happy way by matching her outfit to her one sock. Rather than avoid her disability she makes it the focal point of her outfit. Her very existance has been debated and many people think the parents are irresponsible for bringing her to term. I however, think that her presence on earth was meant to show people that if this little girl could face her challenges with happiness and optimism than perhaps the problems we all bitch about really aren't that big. 


Shiloh Pepin died in October 2009 after developing a lung infection. When I heard about this I really felt like the world lost someone very special. I still don't understand how she stayed so optimistic. Erik, bless his soul, humors my mermaid girl fascination and seems to understand why I think she is so special.  Tonight as I watch the documentary on the last 6 months of her life.  

Whenever you think you have it bad look at those around you suffering more and realize that you have it great. Make the most of everyday! You don't know when it will be your last. 

Stress...seriously, just stress!

Well, everyone was right I have nothing more than stress... I googled "physical symptoms of stress" and my findings were quite interesting. Common symptoms of stress are pain of any kind: CHECK! Heart disease: no. Digestive problems: no but I feel sick to my stomach a lot, does that count? Sleep Problems: check...times like a million. Depression: No I'm still generally happy. Autoimmune disease: no though I have been tested like a zillion times and last on the list skin conditions like eczema: OMG! Are you serious!? That's right I am breaking out all from stress. This is rediculous! I don't even feel any more stressed than normal but somehow my body has picked up "OMG must destroy myself before it gets worse" messages and is totally sabotaging itself.

After that I kept reading... and discovered why I am so stressed. It's the fact that in the past few years I have realized that my dream of becoming a vet. The only career I've ever wanted and other than being with Erik the only dream I have dedicated myself to completely. No one wants it more than I do but the sudden realization that it won't happen is literally breaking me down. These are common internal causes of stress: the inability to accept uncertainty, Pessimism, negative self-talk, unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, and a lack of assertiveness. In other words the journey into and out of veterinary medicine has left me subconsciously unable to handle stress in healthy ways.


In an effort to educate myself and try to find new ways to help I kept reading. "How do you respond to stress?" My first reaction was "Not well, duh why else would I be here?" They then listed 3 choices: Foot on the gas, foot on the brake or foot on both. I go for the foot on the gas approach which says: "An angry or agitated stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still." Any one who knows me is now nodding thier heads, laughing or especially in Erik's case giving me his "you're damn right that's you. You can be pshyco" look.

Cognitive Symptoms	Emotional Symptoms
Memory problems Inability to concentrate Poor judgment Seeing only the negative Anxious or racing thoughts Constant worrying	Moodiness Irritability or short temper Agitation, inability to relax Feeling overwhelmed Sense of loneliness and isolation Depression or general unhappiness
Physical Symptoms	Behavioral Symptoms
Aches and pains Diarrhea or constipation Nausea, dizziness Chest pain, rapid heartbeat Frequent colds	Eating more or less Sleeping too much or too little Isolating yourself from others Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

...Once again. For the most part fits me to a T. I always knew I handled stress badly but to see it in black and white is just shocking. I never knew pretty much ALL of the things that make me think I'm sick are just from  stress.

Now when it comes to the solutions they say the same asinine thing that everyone else tells me. "Learn to de-stress, learn how to relax. find coping methods" Well thanks, I hadn't thought of that before. I know working out helps and I need to so I plan to start that more often, I can't take yoga seriously and meditation just isn't for me. So, now I have to figure out how to deal with it before I have a very unhealthy and itchy life ahead of me.

Long Distance Relationships

Long distance relationship suck! They aren't impossible like everyone told me before I got into one but they are not fun. The good side of it is that I know he's perfect for me because anyone worth going through a long distance relationship is worth keeping around. I always knew we could make it through it. The bad side effect besides missing him, sleeping alone, and all the things I usually had when he was here is the aggression toward this stupid state. I thought I hated Indiana before, but ohhhh no! I am so anxious to get out of school and this asinine state that it is literally driving me crazy. Like I said in a previous post the stress is making me very very tense. When I add all the stupid people, stupid classes, the advisors, the drivers and the STUPID ROOMMATES I'm about ready to scream! All I want is to graduate and get out of here. One class and lots of flexibility will be required but lets face it, odds are Purdue will not be flexible. I mean, seriously...why would doing research in the field of welfare and behavior be applicable to welfare and behavior credit. I mean how could I be so ignorant to ask for them to make that connection. No, it makes so much more sense to sit it their "welfare and behavior" classes like the philosophy class I'm in now where we have yet to mention animal welfare with the exception of the PETA video the quack of a professor decided to show.

Subconscious Stress, How I hate you!

Ok, I am willing to admit I do not handle stress well. It all started when I was little and would literally break down like the end of the world was near when I would get hungry. I mean it was bad! I would love to say I have gotten over it but let's face it I still get cranky when I get hungry. When I was 3 and before high school my hair started falling out for no other reason the doctors could think of but stress. Then I went to 8th grade and had the first teacher who made me lay awake a night with stomach pains and crazy nerves, worried that I had forgotten something or would be embarrassed if I didn't know an answer. High school wasn't bad but the nerves continued...then I went to college. Every year I've been in college it has gotten progressively worse. Now it is considered "normal" when finals approach for me to have virtually no appetite, get nauseous all the time, knots in every muscle in my body and I just get generally very worried and grouchy,  and would frankly prefer to sleep all day and avoid everything else. This has all been manageable, I mean it sucks but I have come to understand it. Now I have one new little annoyance that I just don't understand. February 15th Erik went to training as I have said many times. He left, I missed him but we both agreed it was easier than we thought it would be. Then I got itchy. I itched to the point where my skin was getting raw...gross right? So over spring break I went to the doctors and he prescribed an ointment and it cleared up like that right as Erik came back! Perfect timing right? Well, he left Saturday for his second part of training. I drove up to my parents house and by Saturday night I couldn't help but notice that I was itchy again. Now I'm back on the medication because my body is freaking out! WTF!!!! I'm so annoyed with EVERYTHING right now! I mean what the hell is wrong with me!?

What a Perfect Day!

Everyone has told me life as the SO to a pilot would be hard. Is it really worth it to go at least half the time alone without him and have just a few days before you have to let him go again? Can I handle living alone a lot, dealing with the issues that come up, one day being home with the kids alone while he's away? I can't answer these questions for everyone, everyone I've talked to has different answers. All I know is after 5 weeks away from Erik I have my answer. I'm sitting in my dark room with Cali on one side and Erik sleeping beside me on the other with Goober perched over his back staring at me, and I couldn't be happier. I know it will be worth it. We made it through our first 5 weeks apart and both of us agree it was hard but went by relatively quick and was better than we expected. Sure there are going to be bad days but he is worth it. I can't wait to graduate and move out with him and spend my life with him. We can do this. I know we'll be a great pilot and pilot's girl! 

He's coming back!!!

I am so happy! In just about 16 hours I will be picking my amazing pilot up from the airport. Almost 5 weeks of being apart is just too much! I can't wait! So much to do to get ready. I'm so excited I can't stand it!

I'm the happiest girl in the world!!

Erik will be arriving 11:58 pm on Friday! I could not be happier at all. I am the happiest girl in the whole world!! I will finally be back in his arms where I belong. Meeting Kate Gosselin and seeing my amazing pilot! This is the best spring break ever!! So many things I have to do before he gets here. Have to look all cute and not like a bum!! I can't wait!

A very sad day.

Today I found out that Erik will have a few days to a week off after next week...Yay! Unfortunately because his permanent address is in California that is where he will be sent. My instant reaction was to cry and debate pulling over because of tears and the inability to breath but after a while all I could do was sigh and realize that this is what all the women I've been talking to meant when they said be flexible. My new motto is "we'll see. be flexible" I am determined to be the best SO of a pilot ever. He doesn't need me to make this any harder for him than it is. I know it isn't in his control so all I can do it sigh, take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat and support him. I've never been more jealous of people being able to be with him than I am right now. I am strong and I can handle this. Prior to February 15th, the longest amount of time we'd been apart was 2 weeks, now we will see what it is like to go 2 months...welcome to life with a pilot. O:-)

Organic Chemistry

Ugh! Tomorrow I have an Organic Chemistry exam. This class is going to be the death of me. If I pass it it will be a miracle and I need a miracle! I want to get out in December and to do that I need to pass every class and have Purdue be flexible enough to take classes over the summer? ok ok ok now stop laughing, I agree the odds of having Purdue be flexible aren't good but let's hope. I don't want to be here until May! I mean seriously?! A whole year on my own in West Lafayette...ummm how about no!

Stronger than I could ever imagine...

I've learned a lot about myself in the past month. On Monday it will be exactly a month since Erik left, we haven't spoken on the phone once but I feel like we are stronger and handling the situation better than most and MUCH better than we ever anticipated. We are able to rely on each other and support each other and be able to get what we need to done. We've never been the typical couple and seem to do every backwards but it fits us. Before he left I was really worried about how it would effect us. I had fears of us growing apart, about all the things that could come up and I was afraid that it might be too rough for us. Luckily for me I had my break down when he was here and he reassured me that we were different and could do this. He was right. He's the one for me and even though some days are rough I have no doubts. Distance has made the heart grow fonder and the relationship stronger. I am proud that through what was supposed to be the hardest part of his career for the year, maybe year and a half we'll be living apart it has made us stronger and we'll always find a way to make it work. Now I just need to bust my butt to graduate so I can meet him and start the roller coaster that will be our life.

Stress and anxiety

 I forgot just how effective stress and anxiety can be. Put it next to aggression and it is a kick ass diet plan. Suddenly you realize that you haven't eaten in a day and half and you aren't even hungry instead all you feel is very nauseous. Good thing I can probably rely on my life being stress and well anxiety is sure to follow.

I already don't want to let go.

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?" -Marley and Me

You never really appreciate something until it's gone. I've learned that most recently when Erik left for job training. I've spent many nights feeling alone and overwhelmed with all the changes but it wasn't until today when I came home  and watched the end of Marley and Me with Cali by my side that I took time to realize and appreciate how not alone I am. Sure the cats have become cuddly and shown me their affection but they don't compare to Cali, my 6 lb. Chihuahua pug mix who has more personality than any dog I've known. 


She sat beside me and as I started crying as I usually do when they put Marley down Cali gazed up at me then when the sniffles turned to tears she pushed her way onto my lap staying ever strong to show her support. She is only 3 but has already been with me through some of the more difficult times of my life. She was there when I moved into my first apartment. Watched me pine/stalk Erik, always dancing with excitement when I was excited and showing quiet concern when I was sad. She ran around and danced with me when I sent Erik the inevitable text and she showed her hesitation to accept him and extreme jealousy when I didn't hesitate. She has been there through the exams and all the stressful night. And I can't help but think that she will hopefully be around to meet my first child...in many many years. 


It wasn't until Erik left however, that Cali came to be the best dog on Earth. Instead of running to find a hiding place when I'd cry scared that she was doing something wrong she now stays glued to my side watching me knowing that her company means the world to me. Even Erik the man who loves German Shepherds and only a big dog kind of person has come to appreciate how great Cali is. I only pray to God that we still have many years together. She''s been with me in such a pivotal part of my life I can't imagine what it will be like when we have to say good-bye. I love my puppy!

I want to move

I don't know how but I AM going to find 2 people to sublease these rooms to. I want to get out of here like yesterday! This sucks! I hate this stupid room. This wouldn't be so damn hard if I didn't have to sit in "our" room and follow the same routine and live in this sucky place. It would be so much nicer to be in a different place without pictures, clothes, and all this crap around. I just want to get the hell out of here.

Tonight is going to be rough

Tonight is going to be rough, I already know it. I have to go into the fire pit. Since Erik left I've tried not talking about him not being here. I just want to get into a routine and make it seem more normal. I am going out tonight with some of our friends.  They will ask how I am and how he is doing and what he is up to. I"ll smile and answer the questions with fake optimism while I will undoubtedly feel like I can't breath and like my heart is trying to swim up my throat an choke me before jumping out of my body completely. There will be the pity smiles, the pity tone of voice, and all the encouraging words. I repeat this sentiment every time I see or hear these things: HE IS NOT DEAD!
   Since when did I become such a weak girl that everyone expects me to break apart because Erik left. I'd like to point out we have been hoping for this since I met him and anticipating it since he graduated. I've seen this coming and I knew from the start I'd soon take on the lifestyle of a pilot's girlfriend. Trust me, I know he is gone, I don't forget about it when there is a smile on my face. I don't need reminders or constant sympathy. I don't need all this crap unless I am in one of 3 situations (1) When I get rejected from vet school, (2) When someone I love dies, is no longer on this Earth and I'll never see them again (3) I get an incurable illness and I hit rock bottom.
    So, for future reference I am happy Erik is gone. I've been trying to get rid of him for a year now! I'm finally free! It is hard but I'd be selfish to say I want him here and I don't. I want him to be exactly where he is and doing exactly what he is doing. I support him unconditionally and I love him through the good/bad/ugly. So stop pointing out the obvious and let's all get on with a new perspective on this relationship. I'm now a Pilot's Girlfriend, it obviously is an adjustment for everyone not just me but I am handling just fine. When it gets hard I talk to Erik about it. Everyone else can stop trying to help, it only makes it worse. Thank you!


6 weeks turns into indefinitely. :-(

Perfect end to the night

Well, the organic chem exam was a very appropriate end to the day. All I want to do is curl up in bed have Cali next to me and fall asleep hoping tomorrow is better. At least I will have more going on to distract me. Today sucked I'm glad it's almost over!

...sigh

I have no motivation to do anything. Talking to people only seems to annoy me more. There is nothing to talk about and no I don't need any kind of intervention. He is at a freaking airline he is not dead. Yes, my life is boring, Yes, I will probably think about not being with him more than he might since he's so busy. Yes, I hate it here, Yes, I want to be done and out of this stupid school. News flash people I'm freaking FINE! I'm not hitting rock bottom, I'm not sitting in a dark room crying, I'm not going to off myself because he is away. I am not a weak person. I am also however not a patient person at the moment. I have an exam at 8 pm tonight in the middle of campus meaning I'll have to park 20 min away and walk in the stupid ice and snow. 
  
I'm not so sure I want to be around people. I'm not turning into a hermit and I'm really not upset but to hear everyone ask how i'm doing, what he's up to, how am i holding up. It only makes it harder and as ready as I am and as not bad as I think this is going to be it gets exponentially harder when people won't let you stop thinking about it. And that tone... the poor you I have to talk like someone's died in order to talk down to you and pity you tone. UGH! That is what has been hard about this so far..all 24 hrs into it. The good bye hurt and it was anything close to pleasant BUT I made it through it with just tearing up and I never thought that the hardest part of dealing with this is not being left alone by annoy people who underestimate me.

Such a blah day in paradise...

Today is such an annoying blah day. Nothing to do until 3:30 when I have to go cook sausage for my meat science class. I should be studying more than I am for my Organic Chem exam tonight. I'm kind of nervous  about it. I just want to pass so I can get out of Purdue. Even Cali won't get out of bed. Strange how hard it is to focus and study. I hate chemistry with every fiber of my being.  I just want to get my exam to be over with so I can come back and clean up the apartment and get it to somewhat resemble a place I'd like to spend all my time...

 I find it very strange how bizarre it feels not having Erik here. I miss him but I always knew I would, we have been talking so I know he's still there but I didn't expect to feel so out of place. I never really noticed how apart of my schedule he was when he is here. This is more strange than I anticipated.

it's only 6:30

I am soooo bored! There is so much stuff I COULD be doing but since passing out for a couple hours I feel disgusting and don't want to move. Cali and I just finished a slacker dinner of Quiche  and might have popcorn later...like you wanted to know but like I previously stated I am very bored! It's almost like the animals have realized that Erik should be home already, Cali is staring at me like I'm holding out on her since she hasn't gotten to play her hand game today, Goober chased me around and sat with me for like 20 min which usually doesn't happen until he wants to sleep. Even our space cadet, Gidget paces between my legs purring and won't leave me alone! It hasn't sunk in yet that it'll be at least 6 weeks until I get to see Erik so it's been relatively easy but we'll see once it dawns on me that he's not gone for a week.


...hun, it just occurred to me that the longest we've spent without a night together has been 2 weeks this winter, haha. Man I've been spoiled! Even though people think it's crazy and maybe we should have done the whole see each other a few times a week dating thing I'm glad we skipped it. :-) I'm glad I got as much time as I have with you! Now it's like when you didn't know I liked you haha lot's of texts and technology!

Day One!!

   Well, I made it through our good-bye without crying, I will admit I teared up but I thought it was going to be a lot worse. Only 14 hours into the 25+ years we will be apart not much has happened to post but I thought I'd put up some pictures from before he left!

Here goes nothing...

I never really got into writing my own blog so you might need to bear with me. I am a 21 year old student at Purdue studying Animal Science with an ultimate goal of being a vet. I don't think that anyone will be at all interested in my daily life but there is one person who is. My boyfriend is a pilot who just got hired at Colgan Air. He left this morning for training and will be away a lot. I have decided to get start a blog to record things that go on here to help make him not feel like he has the best of both worlds; Work at an airline with trips and life here in boring Indiana with me and our zoo!