Everyone has always told me to go after what I want, sounds easy enough. Then when I go for what I want they bombard me with questions or arguments of why what I want isn’t good enough or is not possible. Sounds a bit contradictory to me. I’m looking toward what will be, God willing, my last semester at Purdue and I know exactly what I want. It’s exactly the same thing I wanted this time 4 years ago. I want the dream. I want the fairy tale.
I want the career that seems impossible to achieve. I want the stress, the disappointment, the hope, fear and impossible obstacles. I know there is a possibility I will not make it but the fear of giving up and not trying scares me more than anything. One day I want to look back at the struggles and smile because they eventually got me to where I am. I want to smile at my children and honestly tell them they can do ANYTHING they truly want to and that their father and I are proof. I know I can be an amazing veterinarian. I have watched the surgeries, exams, and procedures and I am confident I will do an amazing job. I care about patients and the clients that care for them. I know there’s an important balance between practice and profit. I believe in the oath. I believe that patient care comes before anything else. I will be better than the book smart empathetic people who have no bedside manner, those who regard euthanasia as a medical procedure discussed excitedly as though it was anything less then what it is. As I see these people get vet school offers it only makes me want it more. I deserve it more. I need it more. I was once insulted by an advisor who accused me of being driven by selfish motives. He questioned me asking if it was the title, salary, family pressure or a narcissistic need to be perfect that drove me so hard to pursue vet school and my inability to quit. I can honestly say that it is all of the above and more. I want the title because like my future husband’s name I have never thought of my name with anything else beside it in the future. I want the salary because let’s face it it isn’t a bad thing. I do have family pressure but it’s the opposite of what you might assume. I feel pressure to prove them wrong. I’ve never felt that I had to be a vet to make my parents proud, they’d rather I be happy with a back up plan but I feel pressure to prove them wrong. And that comes from deep inside me. And as bad as it might be I need to be a vet. Anything other than a veterinary career will always seem like a failure in my eyes.
If that comes true I will have the dream. What about the fairy tale you may ask? I am currently living my fairy tale. I have wanted the fairy tale since I first met him. I knew from the first night I met him (in person) that I wanted to spend my life with him. Pretty much from that time I’ve been told to get over him. I’ve been told that my fairy tale would never happen and I was just wasting my time and I’d end up watching him marry his future wife and I’d end up bitter. I refused to believe this and two years later we got together. Two and a half years later we are still together. We have overcome many challenges and I am happier than ever. We are strong and are still very confident in forever. I have heard still that I should reevaluate things early before I get hurt, I have been told to walk away, I’ve had my strength questioned many times in terms of his career or our future. I don’t want easy. I don’t want the stereotype. Do I know he is a pilot? Yes. Do I know the positive and negative stereotypes that come with pilots? Yes. Do I know MY pilot? Yes. I have heard him worry about his kids being upset with his career since I met him. I’ve heard his concerns about his future wife and future family from back when I thought we’d end up as neighbors. I want to be the woman he grows old with. I want to be the mom that comforts the kids and makes them understand why daddy had to leave. I want the challenges, I want the struggle I want the life of a pilot wife. I’ve occasionally said that I don’t feel good enough for him. I mean this but I don’t mean it in a bad way. I want to be with the man that I don’t feel good enough for. I want the man who makes me feel lucky to be with him. I want to roll over in the middle of the night still smile saying to myself “I can’t believe I am dating him” I want the butterflies as I drive to pick him up, I want the tears as I drive back after dropping him off. I want to marry my best friend.
All this being said I know what I want. I want it all. I will never give up and If/when the day comes that I can realize I have achieved my dreams I will know it was all worth it.
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