What to do? Blind Faith

On Monday I will be taking a final exam which is 50% of my overall grade, meaning this one test will determine the grade I get in Organic Chemistry. That one class determines if I graduate in December. No pressure, right? As I approach this inevitably stressful week I'm also thinking about what happens after I graduate. We are now headed to Washington D.C. after I graduate since it's the best place for Erik to get more flying and the odds of us getting Houston are slim. Charleston WV is unbearable so that's not an option either. I'm very nervous about this move and it's still 9 months away. I haven't been to D.C and all I've heard is how expensive and dangerous it is. The more people I ask or talk to seem to suggest not going through with it, saying that a good cardboard box can be found at the same price of a nice apartment in other areas. I try to stay positive and say that they don't know us and that maybe it'll be better for us since we can make sacrifices now. I read reviews on some apartments that were "affordable" and read about drug dealing on the premise, a "body on the ground in the parking lot" there was no indication as to dead or alive, and teens fighting all the time. I gave up looking because since this move is inevitable I don't want to further scare myself out of it. As I sit here starting to feel the anxious nerves coming back just thinking about it I take a deep breath and go back to my homework. I have faith in my relationship and I have faith that Erik knows what he is talking about and would not make this move unless he knew we'd be able to make it work. I can honestly say this is the first time that the prospect of him being away makes me feel uneasy. I still have that image in my head of me living in the ghetto of some run down neighborhood with gangs running the streets as I sit alone most of the week with Cali and the cats. I know my mind is just running wild on the stereotype, I just hope and pray that my blind faith and hopeful optimism is rewarded when everyone else is telling me it won't.

DC not Houston

Ok so I'd love to say that it's been fooooreeever since i've posted and a lot has changed well...it hasn't been forever BUT a lot has changed. I am (hopefully) not graduting next May but rather in December. I am not going to be moving to Houston like I was planning but will instead be moving to Washington D.C. the Dulles area. Now, that being said next month it could be completely different but for now that's it. I think I've finally realized that my life is going to go from a Merry-Go-Round to the fastest roller coaster on earth. I'm all strapped in and ready to go. Bring it on. One way or another i'll handle anything that gets thrown at me.

Why not keep things inside?

Here's a question for everyone: What is so wrong with keeping everything inside? I've always been told to talk to people, not to keep everything in and to use the support given to me by those around me. Now more than ever I simply want to ask, why? When I do lean on those who support me it leads to arguments, questions to which I have no answers and discussing my failures and my fears only magnifies them. I'm at a point in my life where people seem very confused as to what I need. I don't need solutions. I don't need lectures and i definitely don't need to focus on the things that keep me up at night. I just feel so overwhelmed and I just want people to LISTEN. These days it seems like people are very confused because listen is defined as making an effort to hear something. No where does it involve talking. All I want is to have Erik back to lay beside him and bury my head in his chest and hide. I just want everything to go away for a minute.

2010 sucks! Can it be over already?!

2010 seems to be a great year...for everyone but me. I hate this year with a passion and I wish it would just be over already. Yesterday I found out Erik might be coming back this weekend. I told myself not to get excited but I couldn't help it. There's so much going on I just want to be with him and be able to feel happy and reconnect with him. All the stress and crap that has been getting to me has made it really hard for us this trip. It seems like we are off and though I know we are good I just wish I could see him and feel close to him again. I'm so jealous of everyone right now. I feel like I don't have my shit together and I'm all alone in this stupid fucking state. I hate it here. I hate school. I hate learning about cows! I know I should suck it up and not be feeling so upset about this but all day I kept thinking "just get through it and you'll have a great weekend" I'll still have fun with my parents and everything but who knew one stupid hug could mean so much. This up and down emotional rollercoaster is started to get to me. I never even knew how long he's be able to be here. Hell, even an hour would have been great. I just want to see him and feel less alone here. It seems like this  year no matter what it is, even the smallest thing is ten times harder. When I fall I get hurt a lot more, when I have stress it hits me all over in every way possible, when I miss someone it feels  like I'm being stabbed in the heart. It's only April. I have another 8 months until this year is over. It started off so well to. Who knew having the best New Years Day of my life would start of the worst year of my life. The worst part of it all is feeling like no one is there to listen. Everyone is off doing their own thing and they are all busy with great amazing things. I sit here learning organic chem and cow shit and there's no one there. This really is killing me.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Sim training has proved to be more difficult that ground, and it's almost half the amount of time. It isn't' even really being away from Erik that has thrown me. Sure, I miss him like crazy and I wish I could see him every night as I go to bed...the body pillow is still taking up half the bed. I still take pictures of the zoo to send to him and try to do my best to make him smile and let him know how much I love him. It is all the other stuff that's been piling up and overwhelming me. It was only a couple days ago that I came out of my zombie/sleep walking state. I found out that odds are I will be forced to graduate in May 2011 instead of December 2010, turning the 6 months of a long distance relationship into a year. I know I probably throw myself into us but our relationship means so much that being apart is just hard. I know we can make it, it's just the idea of sitting in the butt hole of America...aka West Lafayette, Indiana alone with nothing but Purdue to distract me is just very aggravating. I also am struggle through Organic Chem and I just let it all get to me. Now I hear that I may be able to take classes to get out in December...hopes go up a little bit...Erik says he might be able to come up this weekend...hopes go up a little more. I'm doing my best to keep my excitement down and not get too sad if either situation doesn't work out. We shall see where this twist takes us.

Shiloh Pepin- Mermaid Girl

"you never know unless you try. Just remember it's what's inside that makes you a star. I'm scared for this big step in my life but you never know it might be another good opportunity." -Mermaid Girl 


May 2009-
 Mermaid girl made the decision not to surgically separate her legs. Ultimately this little 10 year old girl made the decision to stay the way she was. She was planning on attending summer camp even though she was scared and admitted to her mom she wasn't sure if she was ready for that big step in her life but decided to attend because she felt it could be a new opportunity.  That summer she went away to summer camp, 2 hours away from her parents. As her parents drove her to camp she applied lip gloss dressed head to toe in pink with excitement and optimism as she told her dad "you always have to look good" When nurses had trouble getting her waste bags attached she read the instructions out loud, never once feeling self conscious as she told them how to care for her.  


I first became mesmerized by Shiloh Pepin when I first saw her TLC special. I watched this young girl's happiness with life spill over to those around her. I saw this girl who had every right to be pissed off at the world and to stay in her room all day and hide instead she blossomed and became outgoing always looking for new friends. People teased me as I grew to actually love Mermaid girl and soon it didn't become strange to have her brought up in random conversations. Her whole day was started in a happy way by matching her outfit to her one sock. Rather than avoid her disability she makes it the focal point of her outfit. Her very existance has been debated and many people think the parents are irresponsible for bringing her to term. I however, think that her presence on earth was meant to show people that if this little girl could face her challenges with happiness and optimism than perhaps the problems we all bitch about really aren't that big. 


Shiloh Pepin died in October 2009 after developing a lung infection. When I heard about this I really felt like the world lost someone very special. I still don't understand how she stayed so optimistic. Erik, bless his soul, humors my mermaid girl fascination and seems to understand why I think she is so special.  Tonight as I watch the documentary on the last 6 months of her life.  

Whenever you think you have it bad look at those around you suffering more and realize that you have it great. Make the most of everyday! You don't know when it will be your last. 

Stress...seriously, just stress!

Well, everyone was right I have nothing more than stress... I googled "physical symptoms of stress" and my findings were quite interesting. Common symptoms of stress are pain of any kind: CHECK! Heart disease: no. Digestive problems: no but I feel sick to my stomach a lot, does that count? Sleep Problems: check...times like a million. Depression: No I'm still generally happy. Autoimmune disease: no though I have been tested like a zillion times and last on the list skin conditions like eczema: OMG! Are you serious!? That's right I am breaking out all from stress. This is rediculous! I don't even feel any more stressed than normal but somehow my body has picked up "OMG must destroy myself before it gets worse" messages and is totally sabotaging itself.

After that I kept reading... and discovered why I am so stressed. It's the fact that in the past few years I have realized that my dream of becoming a vet. The only career I've ever wanted and other than being with Erik the only dream I have dedicated myself to completely. No one wants it more than I do but the sudden realization that it won't happen is literally breaking me down. These are common internal causes of stress: the inability to accept uncertainty, Pessimism, negative self-talk, unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, and a lack of assertiveness. In other words the journey into and out of veterinary medicine has left me subconsciously unable to handle stress in healthy ways.


In an effort to educate myself and try to find new ways to help I kept reading. "How do you respond to stress?" My first reaction was "Not well, duh why else would I be here?" They then listed 3 choices: Foot on the gas, foot on the brake or foot on both. I go for the foot on the gas approach which says: "An angry or agitated stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still." Any one who knows me is now nodding thier heads, laughing or especially in Erik's case giving me his "you're damn right that's you. You can be pshyco" look.

Cognitive Symptoms	Emotional Symptoms
Memory problems Inability to concentrate Poor judgment Seeing only the negative Anxious or racing thoughts Constant worrying	Moodiness Irritability or short temper Agitation, inability to relax Feeling overwhelmed Sense of loneliness and isolation Depression or general unhappiness
Physical Symptoms	Behavioral Symptoms
Aches and pains Diarrhea or constipation Nausea, dizziness Chest pain, rapid heartbeat Frequent colds	Eating more or less Sleeping too much or too little Isolating yourself from others Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

...Once again. For the most part fits me to a T. I always knew I handled stress badly but to see it in black and white is just shocking. I never knew pretty much ALL of the things that make me think I'm sick are just from  stress.

Now when it comes to the solutions they say the same asinine thing that everyone else tells me. "Learn to de-stress, learn how to relax. find coping methods" Well thanks, I hadn't thought of that before. I know working out helps and I need to so I plan to start that more often, I can't take yoga seriously and meditation just isn't for me. So, now I have to figure out how to deal with it before I have a very unhealthy and itchy life ahead of me.