2011

Well, It's 2011...I don't know if it is rational or not but I feel very hopeful for the year to come. I've always felt that when you need them God will give you signs and help you maintain your faith and be able to look toward the future. I have always believed in signs. I have seen them for years and been able to take hope that what i want the most will come true. Tonight I had a great night with my dad and my sister, I wish my mom could have been here rather then have her in New York but we all understand. As I got ready for bed with Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year in the background I thought about things and the many opinions on how I'm handling things. As I brushed my teeth my eyes filled with tears and I simply prayed that I would have the strength to make the most of this year and for the guidance to know what the right decisions are and prayed for a sign to know what is right. I continued to get ready and less than a minute later a song came on. I paused not believing my ears. I hadn't heard this particular song since May 2006. I instantly grabbed my puppy and we danced all around my room. For the first time in days I felt something. I smiled. I felt joy and happiness. I can't explain the timing or my reaction but as I'm learning with everything these days I will just hold on tight and stay along for the ride. I am hopeful for this year. So many plans to make and so many major changes to let happen. This is going to be a good year. :-) As I have said many times lately "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change those that I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Resolutions:
   Graduate
   Lose weight and get in better shape so I feel better about myself.
    fall in love
    be happy
    find a job that makes me happy
    **Not to be scared to make a move to achieve the job I want.
    Be strong enough to be hopeful.

Where to go from here?

As I look toward 2011 I realize that my life has changed drastically in a short 365 and odds are that the next 365 days will hold just as many changes. I am scared that things will continue the way they have been. I am afraid I will lose more then I am capable of handling. I pray long and hard for good outcomes and the strength to handle what comes my way. I am looking forward to finding a job that will distract me from the things I want and hopefully lead to a successful and happy future. One of the most surprising things that I've found has been that the most supportive and encouraging people are strangers. I am so grateful to be with my family. My mom is as supportive as ever even though she has more then enough to deal with, my dad, bless his soul, listens to me vent and tells me stories from his dating days and tries to make me feel better anyway he can. My sister is always there to listen to me even if it's to say things I have said countless times before.

In all honesty, I am not feeling much. I am not sure if it is shock or what but i feel nothing. This is very odd considering for the past 4.5 years I have been passionate and had more emotions then I can express in regards to him but now nothing. I'm not angry, I am not sad, I see pictures of him with her and just don't care. I am very very thankful for that. I often would imagine what it would feel like to lose him. I'd always imagined it as 72 years down the road in a tragic horrible way but never in the whole time we were together did I really think I'd lose him like this. My faith in us has been so strong it's as if my brain knows my heart couldn't take the reality of it so all emotions about it is blocked.

I hope things begin to work out and that 2011 is much better then 2010. If horoscopes are right then I can't wait until late June, early July!

It's over...

The pilot and I broke up. He is dating someone new. We broke up 2 days before Christmas. I didn't tell anyone until after Christmas. I smiled, put on a good face, told everyone a lie and then waited until after Christmas to tell everyone. I feel so lost. I had a plan. I was going to move to DC, I was going to work at Banfield, I was going to live with him, I was going to be happy. At this point in my life he is the only person who actually thought I'd be a vet. I don't want to give up but I don't know how much more I have to give. I am now facing a life of uncertainty. I have to find a place to live and a job. I don't like being so alone or having to rework my whole life. I feel like in a matter of days my entire life was taken away from me. I hate the position I'm in. I feel pathetic and numb. Why am I never good enough? Why do I always fall short of my dreams? Why do I always have to work so hard for what I want?

Savor every fleeting moment

As I sit up to what will no doubt be another sleepless night I read a blog that has come to mean a lot to me. One post she made before the chaos and the nightmare began she wrote about how you need to appreciate every fleeting moment because you never know how many chances you will get again. Given the circumstances it is a very daunting post to read but the message is very true. You never know how much time you have with someone. Any number of things can happen. Tomorrow all the things you hold dear could be taken away from you with no chance to get it back. I'm making a new years resolution starting now. I will appreicate every moment I have and I will look for the good in things. With all the stress in my life these days I find myself overwhelmed and terrified that things will disappear or not end up how I hope they will. Like I have said in the past, I want to live in faith, not in fear. That is my new years revolution/ life goal.

Stressed!

I am losing my mind. I have been trying to study all day. I plan to study all night. I have hit my panic wall and I'm going crazy. All my support systems seem to be busy. I have now spent over 24 hours with nothing but my zoo and my thoughts...this is a dangerous thing. I now notice how much my friends and family mean to me. They keep me sane and they give me support that is very important to me. They keep me calm and help me feel like I will be able to do it and it will be ok. I am taking a break to try and get out of my panic state but sitting alone with my thoughts I hate it and I wish more than ever that I had my pilot with me. Just a rough night. I wish I didn't feel this way every December. Wasn't Christmas once a care free time? I vaguely remember I used to be excited and happy this time of year. Now I am only apprehensive making myself sick over exams that don't seem relevant.

What Do I Want?

                Everyone has always told me to go after what I want, sounds easy enough. Then when I go for what I want they bombard me with questions or arguments of why what I want isn’t good enough or is not possible. Sounds a bit contradictory to me. I’m looking toward what will be, God willing, my last semester at Purdue and I know exactly what I want. It’s exactly the same thing I wanted this time 4 years ago. I want the dream. I want the fairy tale.

                I want the career that seems impossible to achieve. I want the stress, the disappointment, the hope, fear and impossible obstacles.  I know there is a possibility I will not make it but the fear of giving up and not trying scares me more than anything. One day I want to look back at the struggles and smile because they eventually got me to where I am. I want to smile at my children and honestly tell them they can do ANYTHING they truly want to and that their father and I are proof. I know I can be an amazing veterinarian. I have watched the surgeries, exams,  and procedures and I am confident I will do an amazing job. I care about patients and the clients that care for them. I know there’s an important balance between practice and profit. I believe in the oath. I believe that patient care comes before anything else. I will be better than the book smart empathetic people who have no bedside manner, those who regard euthanasia as a medical procedure discussed excitedly as though it was anything less then what it is. As I see these people get vet school offers it only makes me want it more. I deserve it more. I need it more. I was once insulted by an advisor who accused me of being driven by selfish motives. He questioned me asking if it was the title, salary, family pressure or a narcissistic need to be perfect that drove me so hard to pursue vet school and my inability to quit. I can honestly say that it is all of the above and more. I want the title because like my future husband’s name I have never thought of my name with anything else beside it in the future. I want the salary because let’s face it it isn’t a bad thing. I do have family pressure but it’s the opposite of what you might assume. I feel pressure to prove them wrong. I’ve never felt that I had to be a vet to make my parents proud, they’d rather I be happy with a back up plan but I feel pressure to prove them wrong. And that comes from deep inside me. And as bad as it might be I need to be a vet. Anything other than a veterinary career will always seem like a failure in my eyes.

                If that comes true I will have the dream. What about the fairy tale you may ask? I am currently living my fairy tale. I have wanted the fairy tale since I first met him. I knew from  the first night I met him (in person) that I wanted to spend my life with him. Pretty much from that time I’ve been told to get over him. I’ve been told that my fairy tale would never happen and I was just wasting my time and I’d end up watching him marry his future wife and I’d end up bitter. I refused to believe this and two years later we got together. Two and a half years later we are still together. We have overcome many challenges and I am happier than ever. We are strong and are still very confident in forever. I have heard still that I should reevaluate things early before I get hurt, I have been told to walk away, I’ve had my strength questioned many times in terms of his career or our future. I don’t want easy. I don’t want the stereotype. Do I know he is a pilot? Yes. Do I know the positive and negative stereotypes that come with pilots? Yes. Do I know MY pilot? Yes. I have heard him worry about his kids being upset with his career since I met him. I’ve heard his concerns about his future wife and future family from back when I thought we’d end up as neighbors. I want to be the woman he grows old with. I want to be the mom that comforts the kids and makes them understand why daddy had to leave. I want the challenges, I want the struggle I want the life of a pilot wife. I’ve occasionally said that I don’t feel good enough for him. I mean this but I don’t mean it in a bad way. I want to be with the man that I don’t feel good enough for. I want the man who makes me feel lucky to be with him.  I want to roll over in the middle of the night still smile saying to myself “I can’t believe I am dating him” I want the butterflies as I drive to pick him up, I want the tears as I drive back after dropping him off. I want to marry my best friend.

                All this being said I know what I want. I want it all. I will never give up and If/when the day comes that I can realize I have achieved my dreams I will know it was all worth it. 

So Close Yet So Far

Tonight I drove Erik to the airport after a great weekend together. We have hit such a great rhythm and I'm so happy with how we are lately. It wasn't until Erik got to Chicago that we began talking about how he could have called in and stayed here with me since he is on reserve this week. As I always do I told myself to assume it wouldn't happen but couldn't help but think of the possibilities. It would have given us 11 days together. 11 days of being together is UNHEARD of in the aviation industry. It would have been much longer than any amount of time we have had since he started at an airline. It would have probably been more time then we will get for a long time to come. Needless to say I got really excited as the mere possibility. Having this be such a stressful pre-finals week as it is, it would have been amazing to have him here to help me not lose it as I always inevitably do. Then as if it had been planned LoneStar's I'm Already There  came on...I used to love that song but as of late it always makes me cry...i wonder why. As I sit in bed with the zoo around me I can't help but look at all the adjustments and growing this year has brought on. I am much stronger now then I was in February but I still have not gotten the hang of keeping my hopes in check. I love him and after we made it through what we have this year I have no doubt we can make it through almost anything. Through the good, the bad and the ugly we will lean on each other for support. Now I just have to suck it up and study hard for finals. Weeks like these make me wish we could live near each other. Dead week and finals week are always such bad weeks for me.