Nothing

So, after being told to maintain my confidence and faith in a future I did just that. Since then it has been awkward  . Today I decided to get a tattoo I have been wanting to get. I was very nervous when I was getting ready and as I sat in the chair trying to distract myself and was looking at a painting the tattoo artist had drawn, it was a picture of a woman's head side profile with a literal heart in her throat with her mouth stitched shut. It sounds gruesome but was really beautiful. It was the perfect image of how I felt when I met Erik. Anyway, I was thinking and just got angry. I am back in my rebellious F*** him phase. I got done and LOVE the tattoo. After I left I saw Erik had posted an asinine status about missing "his sasha" I at first got very very angry. Then as if I used all the anger in me it is gone. I'm back to feeling numb....not sad, not rejected, not angry, not hopeful, not pining. Nothing. No emotion at all. After the weeks of praying I'd feel SOMETHING. I am so so grateful to be feeling nothing. I do not understand any of this. Nothing makes sense in my life anymore. I honestly just want to understand what is supposed to come from this and why it all happened the way it did. None of it makes sense to me.

Sink or Swim

Sink Or Swim Lyrics

Caught in the middle of a crossfire
Lost my balance on a high wire
Trying to figure out what to do

Pushed to the edge of my reason
Everywhere around me it's treason
I don't want to do that to you

Kamikaze airplanes in the sky
Are we going down or will we fly?
This could be a shipwreck on the shore
Or we could sail away forevermore
This time it's sink or swim, sink or swim

Hearing the song in your laughter
A melody I chase after
No one else has done this to me

Kamikaze airplanes in the sky
Are we going down or will we fly?
This could be a shipwreck on the shore
Or we could sail away forevermore
This time it's sink or swim, sink or swim

Take a deep breath
No more time left
This is what I thought I wanted
Why am I afraid?

Kamikaze airplanes in the sky
Are we going down or will we fly?
This could be a shipwreck on the shore
Or we could sail away forevermore

Kamikaze airplanes in the sky
Are we going down or will we fly?
This could be a shipwreck on the shore
Or we could sail away forevermore
This time it's sink or swim, sink or swim

Seriously?!?!

So, here's a story line for the next fairy tale. Girl loves boy, boy loves girl. Girl and boy date for a while and tell each other they will grow old together, Girl and boy hit a rough patch because temporary long distance is not easy. Boy leave girl because he doesn't love her anymore. Boy starts dating an evil cankle skank whore immediately after making the girl feel like he left her for the cankle skank whore. Boy tells girl he failed her and should have stayed and listened rather then leave. Girl gets hopeful thinking he might come back. Boy says he can't say if he will or not. Girl gets hurt and and angry because there's nothing she can do to show him that he should come back. Girl pours her heart out to him telling him how hard it is to stay hopeful while she sees pictures of him kissing cankle skank and off on the beach with her. Boy hears girl not being as sure of thier future and tells her that she needs to be confident and positive about something. Wait, hang on...really? April, be confident and positive about things...while I crawl into bed with my cankle skank flight attendent whore...will I reassure you I want to come back and that the idea of me coming back is more then a school girl fantasy? Of course not! Why would I do that? You've had faith in us and fought for us for over 4.5 years now so of course you should keep doing that even when I bailed when I lost the faith I had in us... Well Prince Charming. There is one key difference in me losing my faith now and you losing it then...When you lost yours I loved you with me whole heart, I was doing everything I could to make you happy and I tried as hard as I could to fight for you. I'm losing it now and you are dating another girl, sleeping with her, LIVING with her, and throwing it all in my face while you occasionally throw me a bone by saying it might ones day happen.

Not that you'll ever read this but NEWS FLASH: if you don't make up your mind and make  a move, I will be the one putting an end to this fairy tale. Isn't it prince charming that is supposed to fight for the princess? Why do you always make me do the fighting?

"You should just come back"

It has been almost a week of discussing "us" or a hypothetical "us" or the fact that he "never said us wouldn't happen" and my head is spinning. We discuss how we wish things weren't so complicated and he says he does too but doesn't know what to do. Well, it seems pretty simple to me...am I missing something? Here is how it should go. 1.) Dump the cankle skank. 2.) move out of the whore house. 3.) Come see me. 4.) We talk it over. 5.) Come back. See, it really isn't that complicated.

Only 73 more days...

There are only 73 more days until I graduate. Hopefully only about 80 until I move. I am really hoping nothing complicates that plan. This up and down roller coaster is exhausting. I don't know what to think or how to feel. When I think I know or have a grasp on things then something happens that puts me back at square one. Yesterday I went to bed happier then I've been in months, tonight I feel the exact opposite. Why can't things be simple? Why can't I wake up tomorrow and forget it all? Why won't this moronic feeling go away? It is insane to get a feeling the first day you meet them and to never have it go away even after all that's happened. I want to be angry, I want to just get over all this crap. I want to stop feeling inadequate. I want to not be afraid to go out. Even close friends who are trying to be "supportive" turn out to be disturbing and creepy. What is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough for normal? I'm not even asking for anything close to impressive. I want normal. I want someone to not treat me like a whore. I want someone to make me feel like I am worth it. I am so lost and confused. My mind is the most dangerous place on earth and I am stuck in it. I want someone's words to reflect their actions and their actions to reflect their words. I want to feel loved. I want to feel confident and I want to feel secure again. I want to graduate, move and get on with my life. I've never been so confused and hurt for such a long period of time in my life. I don't know what I want.