Only 73 more days...

There are only 73 more days until I graduate. Hopefully only about 80 until I move. I am really hoping nothing complicates that plan. This up and down roller coaster is exhausting. I don't know what to think or how to feel. When I think I know or have a grasp on things then something happens that puts me back at square one. Yesterday I went to bed happier then I've been in months, tonight I feel the exact opposite. Why can't things be simple? Why can't I wake up tomorrow and forget it all? Why won't this moronic feeling go away? It is insane to get a feeling the first day you meet them and to never have it go away even after all that's happened. I want to be angry, I want to just get over all this crap. I want to stop feeling inadequate. I want to not be afraid to go out. Even close friends who are trying to be "supportive" turn out to be disturbing and creepy. What is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough for normal? I'm not even asking for anything close to impressive. I want normal. I want someone to not treat me like a whore. I want someone to make me feel like I am worth it. I am so lost and confused. My mind is the most dangerous place on earth and I am stuck in it. I want someone's words to reflect their actions and their actions to reflect their words. I want to feel loved. I want to feel confident and I want to feel secure again. I want to graduate, move and get on with my life. I've never been so confused and hurt for such a long period of time in my life. I don't know what I want.

I Just Want My Heart Back!

   I can't keep up my hope. It hurts too much. This emotional roller coaster isn't fun and I want to get off. I have foolish hope that one day things will work out. I need to be realistic. He doesn't love me anymore. He does not want a future with me. He is happy with his girlfriend. I have to continue to focus on what is more important. I need to get a job and find a place for me and my zoo. They are officially my zoo. The cat that comes to cuddle when I cry, the dog that lets me hold her and cry on her as I fall asleep and my little kitten who talks and rubs up against my leg. I hate the way my life is these days. I am so hurt and angry. My mind plays games with me  thinking it sees "signs' that aren't really there. I've lost 14 lbs since December 22, 2010. That's not true, I've lost 14 lbs since like January 10, 2011 but what's the difference. How do you let go of something that even now feels so right? That gut instinct and faith that he used to admire and encourage is now slowly killing me and making me want to crawl under the covers and hide.


   A friend recently posted this status "But then what is hope? That all of your wishes and all of your dreams come true? To have your prayers answered? To turn back time because things weren't supposed to happen like that? Could you say with absolute certainty that you would not make the same mistake again? Who decided all this, and what's been decided?" I know the mistakes I made and when push comes to shove I don't know that I would do anything differently but I would have been more open about things. 


I want to feel complete again. I want to have my heart back. This open ended "i need time to figure things out and just be myself for a while and not focus on forever. I still think that one day we might have a chance to have all the things we dreamed of. You are still everything and more that i've ever wanted" bull shit is so painful. I keep reliving what was said and how I feel and it continues to hurt me. People tell me to go out and have fun and focus on me. They make is seem so easy. I just want my heart back so I can move on. Why is it so hard to move on?

What is "Great Love"?

"Great Love" it's one of those fickle words that never seems to have a concrete definition. After spending the weekend watching a string of sappy chick flicks, some of them sending happy messages some of them making me want to give up. What is "great love"? If you believe movies like Sweet Home Alabama then "great love" is the kind that finds you once and even after being torn apart inevitable comes together through fate or something like that. If you believe My Best Friend's Wedding then "great love" can be the love you secretly harbor for your closest friend which you only acknowledge once it is too late. Under the Tuscan Sun gives a definition which suggests that "great love" only finds you when you hit rock bottom and focus on yourself before it falls into your lap. Or you could choose to go the Sex and the City route which suggests that "great love" is the love that never quite lets go. It is horrible, great, passionate, and at times hopeless but through it all you find a happy ending.

The most frustrating part of all this chick flick marathon is that all of these movies/shows are Hollywood's representation of what women want to be true. You can find a movie to fit any romantic situation, which means that regardless of your situation and find hope in an otherwise hopeless situation. So, how the hell are you supposed to know when to give up? Look at real relationships, people who are happily married...ok, I have some people telling me never take him back or you will regret it because they had a relationship that through a break up or two did not work out, then there are those who had the relationship that was rocky and unstable but through the break ups and the heartbreaks ended up working once the problem was resolved.

Grr, I've come to the conclusion you can only decide for yourself what is right. You have to learn your own lessons and make your own mistakes. You can only hope that those who love you and want only your happiness will support your decision and not make things more difficult. I want my "great love". For the most part I would settle for knowing if I have already had it.

Still Confused...

“Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you're doing something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason for you either do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage, and that's pretty good.”

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want it to be like. I want to graduate more then anything but the very thought of being on my own, finding a job, and actually going for what I want scares me more than anything. Needless to say my life right now is not how I always thought it would be at this point. I am both excited by this but also disappointed. I don’t know what I want.  That is a phrase that no one seems to want to accept and in reality it is a big fat lie I tell myself to cover up the huge disappointment I feel when I realize what I want and what I can get are two very different things. I want to be a vet. I want to marry Prince Charming. I want to do all the things on my bucket list.

I started dating again…and then quickly realized I am not the dating type. I don’t want to go out with random people and “look” for someone. I want to marry my friend. The only problem with that is I have to graduate, find a job and start getting some that I would even consider dating. I am very overwhelmed with this lately because the amount of creepers is endless. It is very discouraging. I think I’ve surprised even myself by becoming friends with both of my exes. One of which I didn’t think would ever speak to me again and the other I didn’t think I’d be able to ever consider just a friend again. Despite all the pushing to get rid of his stuff that I’ve gotten I still haven’t. I took most of it to good will, at least the stuff I knew he wouldn’t want but the rest is still there. I know everyone’s reasons for telling me to get rid of it, burn it, smash, it etc but I also know how much some of it meant to him. I don’t think I can be that kind of ex-girlfriend. No matter how weak it makes me look or how much he has hurt me I can’t be the bitch in this situation, I am the nice girl. The one who gets taken advantage of and pushed around. Do I like this about myself? No. Am I willing to change this about myself? No. I just want to find a man who loves me enough not to take advantage of me and push me around. I’ve realized I am ok with being alone. Through all of this I have had to internalize a lot and handle my emotions by myself. It has been a blessing in disguise that those closest to me have had larger priorities then this to deal with. It made escaping my thoughts impossible and forced me to deal with them. I don’t know why I’ve reacted the way I have but for all the “bad days” there are usually 3-4 good ones. I don’t feel the need to bash him or put him down or hope that he end up miserable. His new girlfriend on the other hand….yea, that’s not so much the case. No matter how much it hurts I have realized one major thing about myself. I am not sure if it is good or bad but it is what it is. Once I love someone, like really love them, I always will. I hope that both of them will be good friends that I can talk to forever. They have impacted my life in ways that they can’t even understand. So, yes it is hard to talk like nothing is wrong but I know it will get easier and in my opinion it is worth it. I do believe that exes can be friends. That’s just the way I am.

The Psyche of a Break Up

 Today I went to get my hair colored, as I sat in the chair I started thinking about the emotions and actions people go through when a relationship ends. I have never colored my hair before and can't really say that before a few days ago I had even considered it. But I got the idea in my mind and I did it and the further into the process I got the more I began to smile and feel like a weight was lifted. I had seen this particular hair dresser about a week or two earlier to get my hair cut so we had talked about the break up and school and so seeing me back in her chair didn't seem so strange. I have heard many people's stories of break ups and the things they did when it happened. I've been told to destroy his stuff, burn his stuff, sell his stuff, I've heard it all. I don't know what I am going to do, I know I won't send it to him and make it easy for him but I am not ready to deal with it yet. I don't know why I woke up one day and felt a strong need to change. I feel like a teenager who is rebelling and trying to push the limits but the limits are my own. I like the feeling I have right now. I feel like I can do anything and I want to prove it. I think that not only will this break up make me stronger but it will make me a better person. In my first "relationship" I lost myself by taking interest in things he was interested in...cars, planes, whiskey and sci-fi movies. In my second relationship I lost myself in "us" and the idea of forever. I want to find a man who can support me and love me without in the end losing "me" I am very curious about what happens in a person's mind during a break up that makes them snap and do things they would normally not spend time doing but I am greatful to be going through it. I am becoming a better version of myself and if losing him is what it took to make it happen then it is a sacrifice I am happy to make.

       Recently I have been in a major "nesting" phase. I have gone through drawers, thrown things out and felt so good about it. I bought a new bed set, got the hair and plan to get a tattoo that I've wanted for a while. Each decision I have thought over long and hard. I am making sure that each change and decision I make is for me and not a rebellion to the break up. I feel as though he gave me the best opportunity I could have been given. At first I felt overwhelmed by not having a plan, not knowing where to move, what job I will get, etc. However, once I got back to school I felt better about it. Finally for the first time since I began my freshman year at Purdue I am doing exactly what I want. I am living my life for me. I had planned "our" life and how "we' would make it work together. Now I am doing things I have wanted to do for years and put off. I offcially began my bucket list. I plan to do at least 3 things off the list every year. This year I plan to get a tattoo, go sky diving and I haven't decided on the 3rd one I will do. 

      Many people have told me I am not "dealing with it" and that one day it will hit me. In the beginning I hoped we could fix things and end up together but I no longer feel that way. The man I loved is gone and the person who took his place is not a person I could ever be with. We are remaining friendly-ish. I have deleted his phone number from my phone and I don't text him but from time to time he texts me. It is awkward and I think it's all too fresh to really be friends right now but I don't feel the need to delete him from my life forever. I feel like he did me a favor by leaving. I have a new definition of what I want out of a man and I have more respect for myself.  I think I am dealing with it very well. I am moving on. No I don't have someone to parade around town, I'm not jumping into bed with the first guy who offers, no I don't delete him or burn his stuff but I am over it. I see the pictures and status updates and yes it stings but after the initial sting I push it out of my mind. I want him to be happy. I also want the rabbit fanged homewrecking whore to not be the person he is happy with but if it is so what. I know there is someone out there for me and I will find him and this won't matter. 

I need a vacation...

Through all of this I have felt that I am dealing quite well. I have realized that the reason I haven't missed him and felt what I expected to feel was that he has changed so completely. Literally over night he became a man I didn't know or recognize. I felt like the man I love was gone and it is hard for me to imagine him ever coming back. I have felt anger and just general lack of emotion. I didn't want him back and I have been making a lot of progress getting his stuff out of the way and getting this semester organized. I was more then excited to begin classes, got my apartment organized and even began making calls to get the cats up to date on all their vet things. Two nights ago I had two dreams. One in which I married him, I saw the planning, the preparation and the actual wedding. it felt like the best dream ever. After falling back asleep I had a much darker dream and no I was not the victim. I ended up having to watch tv before falling asleep because I was so freaked out. That morning I realized I am more conflicted subconsciously then I am any other time. Yesterday I made plans to go out felt like I was really moving on. It was great. This morning I woke up and could not get out of bed. I hadn't had any dreams, Thank God! but the feeling I woke up with made me wish I could trade it in for the worst dream imaginable. I miss him. I want to one day have a chance to put all the broken pieces back together. That's not the part that hurts... it hurts to know that what used to be my pilot is now dating a FA and the odds are even if we have the chance I may never be able to overcome that betrayal. I also don't think that after changing so drastically he will ever be the man I wanted to spend my life with. All this being said I will go out, have fun, date guys, and one day move on. I just need to force myself to realize that the man I love no longer exists.

Why am I not feeling anything?

So, it's been over a week now and I still feel nothing. I think about it over and over. I think of him dating someone new. I think of my future without him. I think about taking care of the zoo with out him. I think about everything I can imagine...nothing! Sure, I have moments where it hurts, I have moments I am mad but 95% of the time...nothing. After 2.5 years of dating and 4.5 years of loving him...nothing. Everyone who knows me knows the amount of love and emotion I put into him and us, everyone thinks it's shock or that i'm not being realistic but that's not it. I am being as raw and realistic as I can. I want to be mad, I want to cry. I want to be so hurt that I am over him or at least upset enough to stop wanting to be his friend. I honestly don't think we will get back together. I think he is over me and will not come back in any way, shape or form. Why do I still want to be his friend? Why can't I feel ANYTHING!?!?! If I honestly am the type of person to not care until I find someone else I love then I will thank God every day. I don't want the pain but I want to feel something. I have heard songs that say "I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all" I never fully understood until now. I feel like after everything I should feel something. I don't want to be naive or stupid. I want to feel something. I want to feel something. More than anything I want to feel what I used to but if that is not in the cards I want to feel something. Everyone hope and keep me in your prayers that I feel something soon.