Today I went to get my hair colored, as I sat in the chair I started thinking about the emotions and actions people go through when a relationship ends. I have never colored my hair before and can't really say that before a few days ago I had even considered it. But I got the idea in my mind and I did it and the further into the process I got the more I began to smile and feel like a weight was lifted. I had seen this particular hair dresser about a week or two earlier to get my hair cut so we had talked about the break up and school and so seeing me back in her chair didn't seem so strange. I have heard many people's stories of break ups and the things they did when it happened. I've been told to destroy his stuff, burn his stuff, sell his stuff, I've heard it all. I don't know what I am going to do, I know I won't send it to him and make it easy for him but I am not ready to deal with it yet. I don't know why I woke up one day and felt a strong need to change. I feel like a teenager who is rebelling and trying to push the limits but the limits are my own. I like the feeling I have right now. I feel like I can do anything and I want to prove it. I think that not only will this break up make me stronger but it will make me a better person. In my first "relationship" I lost myself by taking interest in things he was interested in...cars, planes, whiskey and sci-fi movies. In my second relationship I lost myself in "us" and the idea of forever. I want to find a man who can support me and love me without in the end losing "me" I am very curious about what happens in a person's mind during a break up that makes them snap and do things they would normally not spend time doing but I am greatful to be going through it. I am becoming a better version of myself and if losing him is what it took to make it happen then it is a sacrifice I am happy to make.
Recently I have been in a major "nesting" phase. I have gone through drawers, thrown things out and felt so good about it. I bought a new bed set, got the hair and plan to get a tattoo that I've wanted for a while. Each decision I have thought over long and hard. I am making sure that each change and decision I make is for me and not a rebellion to the break up. I feel as though he gave me the best opportunity I could have been given. At first I felt overwhelmed by not having a plan, not knowing where to move, what job I will get, etc. However, once I got back to school I felt better about it. Finally for the first time since I began my freshman year at Purdue I am doing exactly what I want. I am living my life for me. I had planned "our" life and how "we' would make it work together. Now I am doing things I have wanted to do for years and put off. I offcially began my bucket list. I plan to do at least 3 things off the list every year. This year I plan to get a tattoo, go sky diving and I haven't decided on the 3rd one I will do.
Many people have told me I am not "dealing with it" and that one day it will hit me. In the beginning I hoped we could fix things and end up together but I no longer feel that way. The man I loved is gone and the person who took his place is not a person I could ever be with. We are remaining friendly-ish. I have deleted his phone number from my phone and I don't text him but from time to time he texts me. It is awkward and I think it's all too fresh to really be friends right now but I don't feel the need to delete him from my life forever. I feel like he did me a favor by leaving. I have a new definition of what I want out of a man and I have more respect for myself. I think I am dealing with it very well. I am moving on. No I don't have someone to parade around town, I'm not jumping into bed with the first guy who offers, no I don't delete him or burn his stuff but I am over it. I see the pictures and status updates and yes it stings but after the initial sting I push it out of my mind. I want him to be happy. I also want the rabbit fanged homewrecking whore to not be the person he is happy with but if it is so what. I know there is someone out there for me and I will find him and this won't matter.
No comments:
Post a Comment