“Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you're doing something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason for you either do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage, and that's pretty good.”
Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want it to be like. I want to graduate more then anything but the very thought of being on my own, finding a job, and actually going for what I want scares me more than anything. Needless to say my life right now is not how I always thought it would be at this point. I am both excited by this but also disappointed. I don’t know what I want. That is a phrase that no one seems to want to accept and in reality it is a big fat lie I tell myself to cover up the huge disappointment I feel when I realize what I want and what I can get are two very different things. I want to be a vet. I want to marry Prince Charming. I want to do all the things on my bucket list.
I started dating again…and then quickly realized I am not the dating type. I don’t want to go out with random people and “look” for someone. I want to marry my friend. The only problem with that is I have to graduate, find a job and start getting some that I would even consider dating. I am very overwhelmed with this lately because the amount of creepers is endless. It is very discouraging. I think I’ve surprised even myself by becoming friends with both of my exes. One of which I didn’t think would ever speak to me again and the other I didn’t think I’d be able to ever consider just a friend again. Despite all the pushing to get rid of his stuff that I’ve gotten I still haven’t. I took most of it to good will, at least the stuff I knew he wouldn’t want but the rest is still there. I know everyone’s reasons for telling me to get rid of it, burn it, smash, it etc but I also know how much some of it meant to him. I don’t think I can be that kind of ex-girlfriend. No matter how weak it makes me look or how much he has hurt me I can’t be the bitch in this situation, I am the nice girl. The one who gets taken advantage of and pushed around. Do I like this about myself? No. Am I willing to change this about myself? No. I just want to find a man who loves me enough not to take advantage of me and push me around. I’ve realized I am ok with being alone. Through all of this I have had to internalize a lot and handle my emotions by myself. It has been a blessing in disguise that those closest to me have had larger priorities then this to deal with. It made escaping my thoughts impossible and forced me to deal with them. I don’t know why I’ve reacted the way I have but for all the “bad days” there are usually 3-4 good ones. I don’t feel the need to bash him or put him down or hope that he end up miserable. His new girlfriend on the other hand….yea, that’s not so much the case. No matter how much it hurts I have realized one major thing about myself. I am not sure if it is good or bad but it is what it is. Once I love someone, like really love them, I always will. I hope that both of them will be good friends that I can talk to forever. They have impacted my life in ways that they can’t even understand. So, yes it is hard to talk like nothing is wrong but I know it will get easier and in my opinion it is worth it. I do believe that exes can be friends. That’s just the way I am.
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