I need a vacation...

Through all of this I have felt that I am dealing quite well. I have realized that the reason I haven't missed him and felt what I expected to feel was that he has changed so completely. Literally over night he became a man I didn't know or recognize. I felt like the man I love was gone and it is hard for me to imagine him ever coming back. I have felt anger and just general lack of emotion. I didn't want him back and I have been making a lot of progress getting his stuff out of the way and getting this semester organized. I was more then excited to begin classes, got my apartment organized and even began making calls to get the cats up to date on all their vet things. Two nights ago I had two dreams. One in which I married him, I saw the planning, the preparation and the actual wedding. it felt like the best dream ever. After falling back asleep I had a much darker dream and no I was not the victim. I ended up having to watch tv before falling asleep because I was so freaked out. That morning I realized I am more conflicted subconsciously then I am any other time. Yesterday I made plans to go out felt like I was really moving on. It was great. This morning I woke up and could not get out of bed. I hadn't had any dreams, Thank God! but the feeling I woke up with made me wish I could trade it in for the worst dream imaginable. I miss him. I want to one day have a chance to put all the broken pieces back together. That's not the part that hurts... it hurts to know that what used to be my pilot is now dating a FA and the odds are even if we have the chance I may never be able to overcome that betrayal. I also don't think that after changing so drastically he will ever be the man I wanted to spend my life with. All this being said I will go out, have fun, date guys, and one day move on. I just need to force myself to realize that the man I love no longer exists.