I Just Want My Heart Back!

   I can't keep up my hope. It hurts too much. This emotional roller coaster isn't fun and I want to get off. I have foolish hope that one day things will work out. I need to be realistic. He doesn't love me anymore. He does not want a future with me. He is happy with his girlfriend. I have to continue to focus on what is more important. I need to get a job and find a place for me and my zoo. They are officially my zoo. The cat that comes to cuddle when I cry, the dog that lets me hold her and cry on her as I fall asleep and my little kitten who talks and rubs up against my leg. I hate the way my life is these days. I am so hurt and angry. My mind plays games with me  thinking it sees "signs' that aren't really there. I've lost 14 lbs since December 22, 2010. That's not true, I've lost 14 lbs since like January 10, 2011 but what's the difference. How do you let go of something that even now feels so right? That gut instinct and faith that he used to admire and encourage is now slowly killing me and making me want to crawl under the covers and hide.


   A friend recently posted this status "But then what is hope? That all of your wishes and all of your dreams come true? To have your prayers answered? To turn back time because things weren't supposed to happen like that? Could you say with absolute certainty that you would not make the same mistake again? Who decided all this, and what's been decided?" I know the mistakes I made and when push comes to shove I don't know that I would do anything differently but I would have been more open about things. 


I want to feel complete again. I want to have my heart back. This open ended "i need time to figure things out and just be myself for a while and not focus on forever. I still think that one day we might have a chance to have all the things we dreamed of. You are still everything and more that i've ever wanted" bull shit is so painful. I keep reliving what was said and how I feel and it continues to hurt me. People tell me to go out and have fun and focus on me. They make is seem so easy. I just want my heart back so I can move on. Why is it so hard to move on?