I Just Want My Heart Back!

   I can't keep up my hope. It hurts too much. This emotional roller coaster isn't fun and I want to get off. I have foolish hope that one day things will work out. I need to be realistic. He doesn't love me anymore. He does not want a future with me. He is happy with his girlfriend. I have to continue to focus on what is more important. I need to get a job and find a place for me and my zoo. They are officially my zoo. The cat that comes to cuddle when I cry, the dog that lets me hold her and cry on her as I fall asleep and my little kitten who talks and rubs up against my leg. I hate the way my life is these days. I am so hurt and angry. My mind plays games with me  thinking it sees "signs' that aren't really there. I've lost 14 lbs since December 22, 2010. That's not true, I've lost 14 lbs since like January 10, 2011 but what's the difference. How do you let go of something that even now feels so right? That gut instinct and faith that he used to admire and encourage is now slowly killing me and making me want to crawl under the covers and hide.


   A friend recently posted this status "But then what is hope? That all of your wishes and all of your dreams come true? To have your prayers answered? To turn back time because things weren't supposed to happen like that? Could you say with absolute certainty that you would not make the same mistake again? Who decided all this, and what's been decided?" I know the mistakes I made and when push comes to shove I don't know that I would do anything differently but I would have been more open about things. 


I want to feel complete again. I want to have my heart back. This open ended "i need time to figure things out and just be myself for a while and not focus on forever. I still think that one day we might have a chance to have all the things we dreamed of. You are still everything and more that i've ever wanted" bull shit is so painful. I keep reliving what was said and how I feel and it continues to hurt me. People tell me to go out and have fun and focus on me. They make is seem so easy. I just want my heart back so I can move on. Why is it so hard to move on?

What is "Great Love"?

"Great Love" it's one of those fickle words that never seems to have a concrete definition. After spending the weekend watching a string of sappy chick flicks, some of them sending happy messages some of them making me want to give up. What is "great love"? If you believe movies like Sweet Home Alabama then "great love" is the kind that finds you once and even after being torn apart inevitable comes together through fate or something like that. If you believe My Best Friend's Wedding then "great love" can be the love you secretly harbor for your closest friend which you only acknowledge once it is too late. Under the Tuscan Sun gives a definition which suggests that "great love" only finds you when you hit rock bottom and focus on yourself before it falls into your lap. Or you could choose to go the Sex and the City route which suggests that "great love" is the love that never quite lets go. It is horrible, great, passionate, and at times hopeless but through it all you find a happy ending.

The most frustrating part of all this chick flick marathon is that all of these movies/shows are Hollywood's representation of what women want to be true. You can find a movie to fit any romantic situation, which means that regardless of your situation and find hope in an otherwise hopeless situation. So, how the hell are you supposed to know when to give up? Look at real relationships, people who are happily married...ok, I have some people telling me never take him back or you will regret it because they had a relationship that through a break up or two did not work out, then there are those who had the relationship that was rocky and unstable but through the break ups and the heartbreaks ended up working once the problem was resolved.

Grr, I've come to the conclusion you can only decide for yourself what is right. You have to learn your own lessons and make your own mistakes. You can only hope that those who love you and want only your happiness will support your decision and not make things more difficult. I want my "great love". For the most part I would settle for knowing if I have already had it.

Still Confused...

“Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you're doing something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason for you either do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage, and that's pretty good.”

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want it to be like. I want to graduate more then anything but the very thought of being on my own, finding a job, and actually going for what I want scares me more than anything. Needless to say my life right now is not how I always thought it would be at this point. I am both excited by this but also disappointed. I don’t know what I want.  That is a phrase that no one seems to want to accept and in reality it is a big fat lie I tell myself to cover up the huge disappointment I feel when I realize what I want and what I can get are two very different things. I want to be a vet. I want to marry Prince Charming. I want to do all the things on my bucket list.

I started dating again…and then quickly realized I am not the dating type. I don’t want to go out with random people and “look” for someone. I want to marry my friend. The only problem with that is I have to graduate, find a job and start getting some that I would even consider dating. I am very overwhelmed with this lately because the amount of creepers is endless. It is very discouraging. I think I’ve surprised even myself by becoming friends with both of my exes. One of which I didn’t think would ever speak to me again and the other I didn’t think I’d be able to ever consider just a friend again. Despite all the pushing to get rid of his stuff that I’ve gotten I still haven’t. I took most of it to good will, at least the stuff I knew he wouldn’t want but the rest is still there. I know everyone’s reasons for telling me to get rid of it, burn it, smash, it etc but I also know how much some of it meant to him. I don’t think I can be that kind of ex-girlfriend. No matter how weak it makes me look or how much he has hurt me I can’t be the bitch in this situation, I am the nice girl. The one who gets taken advantage of and pushed around. Do I like this about myself? No. Am I willing to change this about myself? No. I just want to find a man who loves me enough not to take advantage of me and push me around. I’ve realized I am ok with being alone. Through all of this I have had to internalize a lot and handle my emotions by myself. It has been a blessing in disguise that those closest to me have had larger priorities then this to deal with. It made escaping my thoughts impossible and forced me to deal with them. I don’t know why I’ve reacted the way I have but for all the “bad days” there are usually 3-4 good ones. I don’t feel the need to bash him or put him down or hope that he end up miserable. His new girlfriend on the other hand….yea, that’s not so much the case. No matter how much it hurts I have realized one major thing about myself. I am not sure if it is good or bad but it is what it is. Once I love someone, like really love them, I always will. I hope that both of them will be good friends that I can talk to forever. They have impacted my life in ways that they can’t even understand. So, yes it is hard to talk like nothing is wrong but I know it will get easier and in my opinion it is worth it. I do believe that exes can be friends. That’s just the way I am.