Can we fast forward about 6 months? or maybe a couple years?

I'm not sure if it's the fact that finals are quickly approaching or the holidays or what it is but I have the worst case of senioritis ever! I'm so anxious to graduate and move to Virginia and finally live with Erik again. Prior to today I was anxious to get a job and make up the classes needed before I can apply to vet school.  As I sit in class already feeling defeated having dropped the pre-vet classification on my degree, learning about cows, pigs and sheep I hear about all my classmates, many of them a year behind me applying to vet school. I heard all about their application processes and sleepless nights getting them completed. I heard how relieved they felt knowing they were completed. Now vet schools all across the country have began to sent out interview requests. I have no doubt I'll start next semester learning who got in and who got wait listed. No one of course will admit they didn't get in., that would be too embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as not even applying.

I feel stupid even getting choked up. I now feel anxiety about graduating. It feels like no matter how hard I try it will never happen. I can't wait to get away from school. I want to start my own journey and figure things out my own way. Being here only makes me feel inadequate and defeated. I just hope one day I can feel better about things. I can't help but feel like my career will never live up to what I hope it will.

Changes

It's been a while since the last time I posted anything. Mostly due to the fact that things have gotten so crazy. Things definitely haven't slowed down but I thought it might be a good idea to start writing things down. This summer seemed to end with things appearing to be on the brink of falling apart. I didn't feel in control of anything and it made me crazy.

The first significant lesson I learned this semester was to trust what people tell me. I always trusted people and never thought they would hurt me or betray me but I realized that while I trusted them I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable and believe that when they told me they wouldn't hurt me they really wouldn't. I learned that because of this I was pushing people away and keeping them at a distance.

Next I learned that in a moment things can go from mundane to terrifying and chaotic. In a period of 24 hrs I learned of 3 people I love being admitted to the hospital for very serious things. Each situation scared me greatly and made me appreciate the easy mundane trivial days that seem so boring. It made me realize how the little issues that seem so big are really trivial and insignificant.

The last lesson I am still learning. Through close family members and complete strangers  I have seen proof that tomorrow is not guaranteed. In any moment tomorrow can be taken away from you. I didn't expect this to hit me as hard as it has. My grandfather passed away two nights ago. He has been sick for years and gotten progressively worse over the past 6 months but even when he was admitted to the hospital I was confident he would recover. Then over the course of a month he declined rapidly. I expected to be upset and I don't mean to sound cold but it all hit me very hard. I am thankful that he is no longer in pain. About a week ago I read a blog by the strongest woman I've ever heard of. I've never met her and probably will never have the chance to but she has taught me a valuable lesson. Seize the day, love with all your heart and live every moment like your last. I spent a long night getting choked up, all teary eyed and flat out crying and I suddenly all the things that annoyed me or felt like major issues didn't matter. Sounds dramatic right? well, on that night I apologized to a very important person for taking him for granted. And from that day on I've felt truly blessed to have him in my life.

I hope to approach every day like it's my last. I want to love like I will never get hurt and never give up because I'm afraid of failing. If I fail, if I get hurt, if tomorrow never comes I can look back on my life and say that I did my best and wouldn't change a thing.

Such a looooooong weekend

It official, this is an extremely long and extremely stressful one. I'm studying my butt off so that I can hopefully graduate in December and that truly was enough to make it a long weekend. Organic Chemistry and I just don't get along. However, other things have made it even worse. Why is it that whenever I need a specific question answered I have to wait until Monday at 8 am. I'm tired, I'm burnt out from studying, I just want to have Monday over with and have my pilot back. I'm so over stressed. Now i'm legitimately worried on top of everything else. I should have just followed my instinct.

What to do? Blind Faith

On Monday I will be taking a final exam which is 50% of my overall grade, meaning this one test will determine the grade I get in Organic Chemistry. That one class determines if I graduate in December. No pressure, right? As I approach this inevitably stressful week I'm also thinking about what happens after I graduate. We are now headed to Washington D.C. after I graduate since it's the best place for Erik to get more flying and the odds of us getting Houston are slim. Charleston WV is unbearable so that's not an option either. I'm very nervous about this move and it's still 9 months away. I haven't been to D.C and all I've heard is how expensive and dangerous it is. The more people I ask or talk to seem to suggest not going through with it, saying that a good cardboard box can be found at the same price of a nice apartment in other areas. I try to stay positive and say that they don't know us and that maybe it'll be better for us since we can make sacrifices now. I read reviews on some apartments that were "affordable" and read about drug dealing on the premise, a "body on the ground in the parking lot" there was no indication as to dead or alive, and teens fighting all the time. I gave up looking because since this move is inevitable I don't want to further scare myself out of it. As I sit here starting to feel the anxious nerves coming back just thinking about it I take a deep breath and go back to my homework. I have faith in my relationship and I have faith that Erik knows what he is talking about and would not make this move unless he knew we'd be able to make it work. I can honestly say this is the first time that the prospect of him being away makes me feel uneasy. I still have that image in my head of me living in the ghetto of some run down neighborhood with gangs running the streets as I sit alone most of the week with Cali and the cats. I know my mind is just running wild on the stereotype, I just hope and pray that my blind faith and hopeful optimism is rewarded when everyone else is telling me it won't.

DC not Houston

Ok so I'd love to say that it's been fooooreeever since i've posted and a lot has changed well...it hasn't been forever BUT a lot has changed. I am (hopefully) not graduting next May but rather in December. I am not going to be moving to Houston like I was planning but will instead be moving to Washington D.C. the Dulles area. Now, that being said next month it could be completely different but for now that's it. I think I've finally realized that my life is going to go from a Merry-Go-Round to the fastest roller coaster on earth. I'm all strapped in and ready to go. Bring it on. One way or another i'll handle anything that gets thrown at me.

Why not keep things inside?

Here's a question for everyone: What is so wrong with keeping everything inside? I've always been told to talk to people, not to keep everything in and to use the support given to me by those around me. Now more than ever I simply want to ask, why? When I do lean on those who support me it leads to arguments, questions to which I have no answers and discussing my failures and my fears only magnifies them. I'm at a point in my life where people seem very confused as to what I need. I don't need solutions. I don't need lectures and i definitely don't need to focus on the things that keep me up at night. I just feel so overwhelmed and I just want people to LISTEN. These days it seems like people are very confused because listen is defined as making an effort to hear something. No where does it involve talking. All I want is to have Erik back to lay beside him and bury my head in his chest and hide. I just want everything to go away for a minute.

2010 sucks! Can it be over already?!

2010 seems to be a great year...for everyone but me. I hate this year with a passion and I wish it would just be over already. Yesterday I found out Erik might be coming back this weekend. I told myself not to get excited but I couldn't help it. There's so much going on I just want to be with him and be able to feel happy and reconnect with him. All the stress and crap that has been getting to me has made it really hard for us this trip. It seems like we are off and though I know we are good I just wish I could see him and feel close to him again. I'm so jealous of everyone right now. I feel like I don't have my shit together and I'm all alone in this stupid fucking state. I hate it here. I hate school. I hate learning about cows! I know I should suck it up and not be feeling so upset about this but all day I kept thinking "just get through it and you'll have a great weekend" I'll still have fun with my parents and everything but who knew one stupid hug could mean so much. This up and down emotional rollercoaster is started to get to me. I never even knew how long he's be able to be here. Hell, even an hour would have been great. I just want to see him and feel less alone here. It seems like this  year no matter what it is, even the smallest thing is ten times harder. When I fall I get hurt a lot more, when I have stress it hits me all over in every way possible, when I miss someone it feels  like I'm being stabbed in the heart. It's only April. I have another 8 months until this year is over. It started off so well to. Who knew having the best New Years Day of my life would start of the worst year of my life. The worst part of it all is feeling like no one is there to listen. Everyone is off doing their own thing and they are all busy with great amazing things. I sit here learning organic chem and cow shit and there's no one there. This really is killing me.